Crunch Time

So it is officially crunch time. There is less than a month before the end of the semester and graduation. There are only a few not so small assignments left in this semester. I still am having trouble wrapping my mind around the idea that a chapter of my life,  even if it was a four year chapter, is coming to an end.

I am not sad that the chapter is ending. I am sad because I don't think I have cherished it as much as I should have. I have a habit of trying to "make it through" to a certain point. Lately that seems to be the end of next week, when things will start dying down. But in doing that, I am missing opportunities to hang out with others, to connect, to learn in the trenches, and gain peace in the insanity of the busy.

The magnitude of the fact that I am graduating and will not return next semester, to the life I've known for the last four years, to the friends I have made in that time, to the job I've grown to love, has not yet hit me. I think I am just beginning to grasp what graduation really means. I am so excited for whatever happens after, but I am working on learning how to "be" in these last few weeks.

I challenge y'all to do the same. Learn how to "be" where you are at and not just "get through" the hard things onto something else. I believe that it is sometimes the hard times that we learn from the most.

Remember, He has made you beautiful!

Catching Up!

So much has happened since I last penned something on this blog. For starters, I interned at an amazing church this summer and learned just how amazing and how selfless ministry can be. The internship itself was more of a last ditch effort at staying away from a dead end summer job. I never thought I would actually get the internship... but I did! What I did not realize was just how much I would be shaped by that experience. The 10 short weeks had a lasting impact on me. I had the privilege of learning under the amazing leadership at the Vineyard. I learned about trust, not only trusting in God to fulfill my needs, but in how to trust strangers with my life and my secrets.  I learned how to trust in God by praying and believing that he would provide for my needs. As far as trusting in strangers, well those strangers are now like a second family to me and I miss them terribly.

My intern family is great!

Another development since my last installment is that I am now a Senior in college, and before you ask, I have no clue what I am doing after I graduate. I have many things that I hope will happen, but nothing is set in stone at this point. It is funny that It took me until my final year of college to realize that it's not all bad. I'm in an environment that learning is not only allowed but encouraged and expected. I'm thankful for the time I've had here and the people I have had the privilege of knowing.

One final thing, which has two parts to it, is this: for those who don't know, I have been writing spoken word for roughly a year now. I recently had the privilege to film one of my spoken word pieces. It has not had a chance to be edited yet but I am excited to get my hands on it once it is all finished. Another thing is that I entered a contest. The contest required a 20-30 page manuscript of original spoken word. It is still in the process of being judged, but for those who don't know me, allowing this part of me to be seen is a big step for me!

That's all I have for now...
Be brave and Remember!
He has made you beautiful!

A Letter to My Fall Out Friend

Dear fall out buddy,
Where do I even begin? Last year was rough...for both of us! I may not know what happened, but I still cared... At least for awhile. Then we drifted apart. You became more of a stranger then I ever thought possible. When I finally started getting my head back on straight, I realized how much I missed the friendship I thought we had. But as the weeks and months went on, I began to see you in a different light... You didn't care at all. So, I'm sorry! Sorry for being me: insecure, overly caring, too kind, and at times needy! I'm sorry that once I saw your true colors I was willing to let our friendship fade because I'd hoped you'd get the message...you never did! I'm sorry I let you slink back into my life because I wanted to believe that you had changed, but you hadn't! I'm sorry i didn't have the heart to tell you how I really felt... And I'm sorry you have to read this....you seem different, like something significant happens and it changed you, curling you further up in that small shell of privacy and comfort you have...I'm sorry that I lack the trust needed to make this friendship work. I'm sorry that I have become numb from the hurt it took to care about you as you faded out of my life. I'm sorry that I have nothing left to give... I'm sorry that I'm done caring about you because my body and my mind can no longer handle the pain. I remember freshmen year and how naive I actually was. I thought that if I just acted a certain way that you would welcome me as a friend and so i stretched, bent, molded, and shaped myself into the person I thought you would like... And you kept me around, so I thought it worked... But 2 years later I finally realized the real reason you let me stick around... You saw the light in my eyes every time that you paid attention to me. You knew that I had never had attention paid me that way... You knew all the right things to make me smitten... And you did! You had everyone fooled... I guess my question is was it all an act? See you know how to read people just enough to give you the advantage.... You use them by pressing the right buttons not caring if you leave hearts strewn in a path behind you. And mine was one of them... I know that you probably won't be happy when you read this... But you see talking hasn't helped and I'm tired of this mask I've been wearing and these shells I have to constantly walk on around you... I'm sorry you have to hear it this way... The ball is in your court...
Sincerely,
The lonely and the used

Hello... My name is Barabbas

I still love you! These are the words that echo in my head as I stood under the spray of my shower. As I fight with the still small voice in my head this statement hits me really hard. There are still times where I feel like I am unlovable because of the things I have done.

One of my lovely housemates showed me a video today... I'd seen it before but man it really heavy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwX_EpNR4CA  (here it is!) It's called Jesus and Barabbas. Watch the video... it's good! Basically the guy who made the video or rather the sermon compares us to Barabbas... for those who may not know... Barabbas is a criminal... a sinner... And since we are compared to Barabbas,we too are sinners. We are the reason Jesus died. He chose to love us.... What God reminded me was that no matter what I've done... he still loves me! Love is not something that I am completely used to... I'm not saying that I'm not loved... I just don't always feel it. I know people love me, but I don't feel like they always show it (and I don't either)

Well God must have wanted to make sure I knew how much I was loved because one of my friends offered to let me tag along with her to the store and, on the way as well as in the store, we just talked about life (One way that I feel love) And then for grins, we look through the Cd's and we both found older Cd's... I'm realizing that the little things really do matter!

So I guess what I'm saying is... no matter what you have done... God loves you!
Remember He has made you Beautiful

Cracked not shattered

It's been awhile since I've written something on here... The reason being I've been struggling. I don't like to broadcast my shortcomings a lot, but for some weird reason i feel the need to share this one. so here goes...

Depression, trust issues, feeling unloved, losing friends and who i was, and distancing my self from God... All this happened this past school year... and no I'm not happy about it. Most of the things I listed triggered my depression... See this past year at school was hard. I lost some people that I really thought were my friends, and learned who my real friends are. In losing my friends i lost who I had been. I was the kind of person who would say that the cup was always half full. The true optimist with a child like joy that could not be contained. When those friends stopped interacting with me, i recoiled, became who i had fought so hard to avoid becoming. I became angry, upset, like a volcano spitting hot lava words when my I-couldn't-care-less facade melted. The truth was i still cared... after all that i had been through, and no matter how much i wanted to not care about those who had hurt me... i did.

I spiraled down from them because I lost friends and was hurt, i didn't trust others not to hurt me. By not letting others in i could never be sure that they were in fact not going to hurt me. Since i didn't trust them i would never let anyone get close enough to love me. Very few people ever really tried to break down my walls and punch through those barriers.

Oh I'm a mess right now Inside out

Searching for a sweet surrender But this is not the end I can't work it out How going through the motions

These lines from a song explain exactly how i was feeling. I didn't want to die, but I also didn't see a point in living.... I know alarms are probably going off in your head right now.... let me repeat that I didn't want to die! I felt like i was driving the Struggle Bus... It took everything in me to get out of bed and do something. I had no motivation to do anything. I had no appetite, but i forced myself to eat. I pretty much stayed in my dorm when I wasn't in class. I slept all the time. The friends I had left had to convince me to get out of bed to do anything. If they didn't i probably would have failed every class i was taking. So thanks guys! 

With depression came anxiety and lack of sleep. The combination of both is never good. i would try to sleep and wake up multiple times throughout the night and be tired the next day. I would force myself to stay up to wear myself out enough to actually sleep. Because of this my immune system sucked and i would constantly feel bad and since i was depressed... i missed a lot of class :/ ooops

Depression is a dark place to be. It can cloud your judgement and even the slightest thing can sink you even deeper into the abyss. During the school year (possibly within 1 month in 1 semester) I learned of at least 4 death most were people i knew... that plus the loss of a fellow student at my college, who i didn't know well but knew of, as well as my depression distanced me from the only one that has truly ever made me feel at peace... God. 

To say that life is not a struggle would be a lie... It is a struggle. I'm still fighting depression, still wishing things had turned out differently, but I'm working on it. Is My relationship with God what i want it to be... no but I'm working on it. I didn't write this because i need help... i wrote this because there is nothing wrong with struggling... it becomes a problem when those struggles become the focus. That is what happened to me. 

In my book those that don't struggle are at a loss... I'm not saying that struggling is fun... it's not, but you are able to see your truer character when in tough times.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”- John 16:33

Remember...He has made you Beautiful
You are his beloved
Kara Frank

"To Love..."

"To love is to be vulnerable" - C.S. Lewis

This quote keeps popping up whether it be in conversations with friends, in chapel, or randomly in my mind. These six words have such a huge impact. Lewis wants the point to come across crystal clear: Love hurts.

See love causes people to be vulnerable. It causes people to be real with each other. By choosing to love people you are seeing what their life is actually like. When you let others love you, you are letting them see all of your imperfections. At any point those who you've opened up to can leave, and some do. Whatever the reason they chose to leave, focus on the ones that stayed. Be happy that there are people that stuck around because they care. 

When we love, we are not promised pain free. We are taught that love hurts. Loving anything and anyone for any reason can hurt.  The greater your ability to love the more likely you are too feel pain.

Sometimes I feel like I love too much. I love to the point that "if they could just understand..." I love to the point that I would rather take on other peoples hurts than have them go through any pain... 

"To love is to be vulnerable"

My heart breaks every Wednesday night when I leave the kids and head back to campus. It seem that I'm moving in a 1 step forward 2 steps back kind of way. My heart breaks when my kids refuse to let me go because they know you love them and they desperately need to feel it. My heart breaks when they can be so smart yet be continually told they are not. my heart breaks when my kids do not feel they are special. They are some much more then special to me, and I love them.

 This idea of coming before God with a heart, or rather hands full of broken pieces that were once a heart and just offering it up to him to fix came up in a conversation and for whatever reason it has stuck with me. I know for me there will be multiple times where I come before God with my broken pieces look at him and say "It broke...Can you fix it?"

                                                                             "To love is to be vulnerable"

So my challenge to you... love people! Really truly love people... because people are awesome (even if they can end up hurting you!)

God Bless, 

He has made you Beautiful!

Remember the Sparrows

So I know it’s been a while since I wrote last! I have been kind of busy with an internship this summer and then moving back to college for my sophomore year! (Excited shriek!)  Classes start tomorrow supper excited and nervous! Let’s get to the actual reason I wrote!

I am scared. I’m scared that things aren't going to be the same as last year (It’s a new year, they won’t be). I’m scared that my friendships with people will change, and it won’t be for the better. I also don’t feel significant in what I can do in God’s kingdom. I am in college. I don’t have a car. I don’t feel like I can make a difference. Then at church, one of the girls from the youth group I help with came to my mind. I can make a difference in her life. I have purpose, and there is a reason I am still here. Since this morning at church, I keep being reminded to have faith and to trust him. I believe he knows what he’s doing. He has my life in his hands. He loved me so much he died for me. The least I could do is trust him. 

So my challenge to you anytime you worry would be to remember the sparrows:  “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?  Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” Matthew 6:25-27 You are worth more than them! Also draw closer to God and learn who he! He is the one who created everything… and He love You! Never forget that!