A Letter to My Fall Out Friend

Dear fall out buddy,
Where do I even begin? Last year was rough...for both of us! I may not know what happened, but I still cared... At least for awhile. Then we drifted apart. You became more of a stranger then I ever thought possible. When I finally started getting my head back on straight, I realized how much I missed the friendship I thought we had. But as the weeks and months went on, I began to see you in a different light... You didn't care at all. So, I'm sorry! Sorry for being me: insecure, overly caring, too kind, and at times needy! I'm sorry that once I saw your true colors I was willing to let our friendship fade because I'd hoped you'd get the message...you never did! I'm sorry I let you slink back into my life because I wanted to believe that you had changed, but you hadn't! I'm sorry i didn't have the heart to tell you how I really felt... And I'm sorry you have to read this....you seem different, like something significant happens and it changed you, curling you further up in that small shell of privacy and comfort you have...I'm sorry that I lack the trust needed to make this friendship work. I'm sorry that I have become numb from the hurt it took to care about you as you faded out of my life. I'm sorry that I have nothing left to give... I'm sorry that I'm done caring about you because my body and my mind can no longer handle the pain. I remember freshmen year and how naive I actually was. I thought that if I just acted a certain way that you would welcome me as a friend and so i stretched, bent, molded, and shaped myself into the person I thought you would like... And you kept me around, so I thought it worked... But 2 years later I finally realized the real reason you let me stick around... You saw the light in my eyes every time that you paid attention to me. You knew that I had never had attention paid me that way... You knew all the right things to make me smitten... And you did! You had everyone fooled... I guess my question is was it all an act? See you know how to read people just enough to give you the advantage.... You use them by pressing the right buttons not caring if you leave hearts strewn in a path behind you. And mine was one of them... I know that you probably won't be happy when you read this... But you see talking hasn't helped and I'm tired of this mask I've been wearing and these shells I have to constantly walk on around you... I'm sorry you have to hear it this way... The ball is in your court...
Sincerely,
The lonely and the used

Hello... My name is Barabbas

I still love you! These are the words that echo in my head as I stood under the spray of my shower. As I fight with the still small voice in my head this statement hits me really hard. There are still times where I feel like I am unlovable because of the things I have done.

One of my lovely housemates showed me a video today... I'd seen it before but man it really heavy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RwX_EpNR4CA  (here it is!) It's called Jesus and Barabbas. Watch the video... it's good! Basically the guy who made the video or rather the sermon compares us to Barabbas... for those who may not know... Barabbas is a criminal... a sinner... And since we are compared to Barabbas,we too are sinners. We are the reason Jesus died. He chose to love us.... What God reminded me was that no matter what I've done... he still loves me! Love is not something that I am completely used to... I'm not saying that I'm not loved... I just don't always feel it. I know people love me, but I don't feel like they always show it (and I don't either)

Well God must have wanted to make sure I knew how much I was loved because one of my friends offered to let me tag along with her to the store and, on the way as well as in the store, we just talked about life (One way that I feel love) And then for grins, we look through the Cd's and we both found older Cd's... I'm realizing that the little things really do matter!

So I guess what I'm saying is... no matter what you have done... God loves you!
Remember He has made you Beautiful

Cracked not shattered

It's been awhile since I've written something on here... The reason being I've been struggling. I don't like to broadcast my shortcomings a lot, but for some weird reason i feel the need to share this one. so here goes...

Depression, trust issues, feeling unloved, losing friends and who i was, and distancing my self from God... All this happened this past school year... and no I'm not happy about it. Most of the things I listed triggered my depression... See this past year at school was hard. I lost some people that I really thought were my friends, and learned who my real friends are. In losing my friends i lost who I had been. I was the kind of person who would say that the cup was always half full. The true optimist with a child like joy that could not be contained. When those friends stopped interacting with me, i recoiled, became who i had fought so hard to avoid becoming. I became angry, upset, like a volcano spitting hot lava words when my I-couldn't-care-less facade melted. The truth was i still cared... after all that i had been through, and no matter how much i wanted to not care about those who had hurt me... i did.

I spiraled down from them because I lost friends and was hurt, i didn't trust others not to hurt me. By not letting others in i could never be sure that they were in fact not going to hurt me. Since i didn't trust them i would never let anyone get close enough to love me. Very few people ever really tried to break down my walls and punch through those barriers.

Oh I'm a mess right now Inside out

Searching for a sweet surrender But this is not the end I can't work it out How going through the motions

These lines from a song explain exactly how i was feeling. I didn't want to die, but I also didn't see a point in living.... I know alarms are probably going off in your head right now.... let me repeat that I didn't want to die! I felt like i was driving the Struggle Bus... It took everything in me to get out of bed and do something. I had no motivation to do anything. I had no appetite, but i forced myself to eat. I pretty much stayed in my dorm when I wasn't in class. I slept all the time. The friends I had left had to convince me to get out of bed to do anything. If they didn't i probably would have failed every class i was taking. So thanks guys! 

With depression came anxiety and lack of sleep. The combination of both is never good. i would try to sleep and wake up multiple times throughout the night and be tired the next day. I would force myself to stay up to wear myself out enough to actually sleep. Because of this my immune system sucked and i would constantly feel bad and since i was depressed... i missed a lot of class :/ ooops

Depression is a dark place to be. It can cloud your judgement and even the slightest thing can sink you even deeper into the abyss. During the school year (possibly within 1 month in 1 semester) I learned of at least 4 death most were people i knew... that plus the loss of a fellow student at my college, who i didn't know well but knew of, as well as my depression distanced me from the only one that has truly ever made me feel at peace... God. 

To say that life is not a struggle would be a lie... It is a struggle. I'm still fighting depression, still wishing things had turned out differently, but I'm working on it. Is My relationship with God what i want it to be... no but I'm working on it. I didn't write this because i need help... i wrote this because there is nothing wrong with struggling... it becomes a problem when those struggles become the focus. That is what happened to me. 

In my book those that don't struggle are at a loss... I'm not saying that struggling is fun... it's not, but you are able to see your truer character when in tough times.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”- John 16:33

Remember...He has made you Beautiful
You are his beloved
Kara Frank